Sunday, April 12, 2009

An Open Letter of Apology

Dear You,

Remember when you and I went to see The Princess Bride at the outdoor theater in Winter Park? What a random memory, right? One of many innocuous nights you and I spent together. Every time I see it now, I cry at the same line:

"You truly love each other, and so you might have been truly happy. Not one couple in a century has that chance, no matter what the storybooks say. And so I think no man in a century will suffer as greatly as you will."

We did. We truly loved each other.

There is something I never told you, something I am ashamed that I have never told you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry it has taken me this long to realize how badly I fucked it up.

I'm sorry I slept with other men, even after we broke up.

I'm sorry I enjoyed it.

I'm sorry I couldn't talk to you.

I'm sorry I couldn't save it.

I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for myself.

I'm sorry I wasn't strong enough for you.

I'm sorry I couldn't force myself off the couch.

I'm sorry I lied to you about the phone.

I'm sorry I left right when things seemed to be on the upswing.

I'm sorry for everything I've ever said to hurt you.

I'm sorry for everything I've ever done to hurt you.

"They say friends don't destroy one another. What do they know about friends?"
-The Mountain Goats

We destroyed one another, sweetheart.

You know we did, and so do I.

And I'm sorry.

I love you more than I could ever hope to articulate.

You are, after all this time, my best friend, my best lover, and the man with whom I would give anything to share my life.

I love you.

And I'm sorry.